“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” Carl Jung

Loneliness can hit you anytime, anywhere. No-one is immune to it. It can strike unexpectedly, it can creep up on you, it can cling on, never wanting to let go.

Mental health charity Mind says loneliness is about ‘not feeling part of the world’. Loneliness makes you feel emotionally isolated – like you’re not connected to people, or you don’t belong. (Charlie Duffield 2015) Longevity of Loneliness

I first experienced true loneliness in my teen years when I felt that there was no-one who understood me or could possibly know what I was feeling, thinking, going through. I would often take myself off to ‘be’ alone trying to make sense of this loneliness and why I couldn’t get through to people what I wanted to get through to them.

Whilst this is common during those ‘coming of age’ years’, what’s not is being open to admitting to others that you’re lonely.

Loneliness has continued to be an on and off visitor to my life ever since those years.

Sometimes those visits have been brief, others have been much longer when it has been reluctant to leave.

It has been something I’ve struggled with, fought against and something I’ve had to let run its course.

Not Admitting to Being Lonely

If you knew me, you’d never think I would be someone who experienced the often debilitating effects of loneliness.

Because I’ve very rarely, if ever, actually behaved like, or said, that I was lonely.

I didn’t know how to. I felt that I couldn’t. I thought that there was something wrong with me to feel that way.

I didn’t want to admit to ‘needing’ company, people, things in my life to stop the loneliness. I was ashamed to let others know.

Admitting to loneliness and being seen as ‘needy’ is often equated to being weak, not good enough or lacking in some way.

But it’s actually the complete opposite.

Recognising that you’re lonely, acknowledging that you have a need for understanding people to be in your life, are strengths. You know how it feels, you know the path that you could end up going down if you don’t speak up.

I had people in my life, my family and my friends, a partner. I was social, I was busy, I always appeared to be in control or at least put out the image to the world as not being someone who would experience, and often be debilitated by loneliness.

‘Feeling lonely is an awkward topic to discuss and we tend to feel ashamed to admit we have no-one to talk to and feel alone. But the truth is, even those who appear to be sociable and positive, can be hiding the fact they are lonely underneath it all.’ (ben.org.uk)

It’s why you hear that people who may be surrounded by others, seem to be the life and soul of the party, be in a marriage, a relationship, but still experience loneliness.

I felt this too in my first marriage. I was busy working, had an active social life, I had two daughters and my husband in my life, but I still felt lonely.

This loneliness took on a life of its own when my marriage broke down and I became a single mum and single woman in her 30s. I literally felt, and was, on my own.

It’s Easier to Hide the Loneliness

I didn’t know how to express my loneliness, so I retreated into myself and if I ever did express my thoughts and feelings, it wasn’t always in a constructive, pleasant way. Because I’d kept everything bottled up inside of me it was like an explosion of sorts and it very rarely ended up well.

It’s easier to hide things. It’s easier to keep busy and give the impression that everything is okay. It saves questions being asked, it saves awkwardness, it saves others from not knowing how to handle what you’re going through.

Because often loneliness stems from not being able to communicate our needs, heck often we don’t even know what they are, and if we do manage to convey them, then we’re often misunderstood or not taken seriously.

So, we keep things to ourselves, we retreat from the world, we feel insignificant and we start the slippery slide into the darkness of loneliness and isolation.

Navigating the Loneliness

It took me a long time to navigate the loneliness, to accept its happening, to understand the reasons why and to be open and honest when I am experiencing it.

It still doesn’t come easy though.

I’ve literally had to force myself to pick up the phone, or if I can’t manage that I send an email or a text, so that I can communicate with someone whom I know can help. Or at least just be there for me.

Being married to my second husband, I am so much better at letting him know when I’m lonely because yes I still experience loneliness. Being ‘with’ someone doesn’t mean it completely disappears. But now, through experience, together we explore the reasons why and what I, and he, can do for me to navigate the path of loneliness.

I’m also much more honest with some close friends when they ask if I’m okay. If I’m not alright I’ll say I’m not, especially if I’m lonely and could do with some help.

I acknowledge that I am someone who lives a lot in my own head, I am a constant thinker, my brain is often in overdrive, and whilst I crave and have learned to enjoy ‘alone’ time, I am not so great at experiencing or being lonely.

On the upside though, the years of the loneliness experiences have enabled me to find what helps, what can stop me from retreating into myself and how I can help others when they too start slipping down the loneliness slide. I can be there for them. I can let them know that they can reach out.

That they’re not alone.

That is key.

For people to know that they genuinely aren’t alone.

There is always, always, always, someone who can help.

Yes, you may have to seek a bit harder to find that someone but they are out there somewhere, waiting to be found.

5 Ways to Overcome Loneliness

1: Explore the possible reasons for your loneliness.

Are you genuinely on your own, do you feel like you have no one to turn to? Have you been through a break up, are there areas of your life in which you’re unhappy? Do you find it difficult to say how you feel?

Do you intentionally create your own loneliness? Loneliness can happen for many reasons, recognising why is the first step to begin overcoming it.

2: Identify ways in which you can overcome it.

What have you already tried, what’s worked and what hasn’t? If you’re not confident enough, or feel unsure, to speak to others about it, can you write it down, send a message? Are you aware of others who are lonely as well? Are you expecting others to make the effort or are you willing, and able, to take action?

3: Seek, and reach, out to those that can help.

If you’re not quite ready to do the in-person thing, then research loneliness on the internet, seek out books that you can read, organisations, groups that you can join, that can help with loneliness.

Also seek out those that may not be necessarily about loneliness but are associated with things, activities and such like that you enjoy, that you can become involved in – to stop you dwelling on being lonely and enable you to be active in other pursuits. Push yourself out of your comfort zone!

4: Work on your thoughts, feelings and behaviours

Do you veer towards positive or negative or are you somewhere inbetween? When you’re lonely your mind can play tricks on you and take you further down the path of loneliness as you lack confidence, fear rejection, don’t value yourself, think you deserve to be lonely.

5: Focus on Developing Your Relationships

Relationships can be key to overcoming loneliness. Finding those who support you, encourage you, lift you up, can make all the difference.

But it’s not just your relationship with others that matter, it’s also the one that you have with yourself.

‘Further down the road you will realize that as much as family and friends could try all their best to help you, loneliness is one battle you only win by yourself.’ (therightmessages.com)

In my Guide, 10 Steps to Overcoming the Struggles of Loneliness, I go deeper into what I’ve talked about here with 10 practical steps you can take to successfully navigate your way through the loneliness and out the other side. So that you never feel emotionally isolated, disconnected, or like you don’t belong, ever again.

If you’d like a copy all that you need to do is click/tap on the button, confirm that you’re not a robot (yes seriously!) and you will receive your access to the Guide.

Access this Guide here

© 2019 Louise Grafton. All Rights Reserved.